20 Native Guy Problems: Grandmas, War Ponies, Facial Hair and More

Ah, the male of the Native species.

Idolized to the extreme on romance-novel covers, marginalized by colonizer-enforced stereotypes, emasculated by Grandmas and rez girls. It’s not easy being a Native guy.

Well, maybe it isn’t, maybe it is—that’s not really the point. The point is, Native guys have their own set of problems, so much so that there’s a twitter hashtag, #NativeGuyProblems, that has been bouncing around for years now and often delivers some of the best 140-character quips we see online.

We’ve done this before—way back in 2011, when ICTMN.com was an acorn in comparison to the mighty oak it’s become. And even then, they were good. See “Twitter Meme: Nativeguyproblems”. Thanks again to @n8tivGuyProblem for creating and collecting most of these.

20 #NativeGuyProblems

1.If you invite one cousin to your house you have to invite all 50 or else they get offended.

2.You have a white girlfriend named Lakota.

3.You overheated your George Foreman grill with a thick slice of buffalo meat.

4.You tuck in your polo shirt and your Grandma asks if you’re going to court.

5.When somebody says “I’m surprised you don’t have any kids,” you’re not sure whether that’s a compliment or not.

6.The only role you could audition for in Navajo Star Wars was R2D2 because you can’t speak Diné bizáád.

7.Family pets have more whiskers than you do.

“Empire of Dirt”

The “Empire of Dirt” starred Jennifer Podemski, who played Shahela Eyre’s mother in the film.

8.You don’t like country music, but you know all the songs by heart.

9.You have to borrow the wife’s Spanx so you can fit into your regalia. Now the wife is mad because you stretched out her Spanx.

10.The cute IHS nurse hits on you—until she looks at your chart.

11.Valentine’s gift to your special lady: A truckload of firewood.

12.The look you get from the Wal-Mart cashier when you’re buying women’s hair care products.

“Empire of Dirt”

The “Empire of Dirt” starred Jennifer Podemski, who played Shahela Eyre’s mother in the film.

13.Pit stains on your favorite ribbon shirt.

14.The only time you’ve had a mustache was when you passed out and your friends drew one on.

15.The couch in your living room is the same one you were conceived on.

16.Your baby girl looks just like her mom: Angry.

17.Your lady hits more home runs than you at the softball tournament.

“Empire of Dirt”

The “Empire of Dirt” starred Jennifer Podemski, who played Shahela Eyre’s mother in the film.

18.Even though they like you, your white co-workers won’t invite you to join them after work because they’ve heard scary stories about what Indians do when they drink.

19.When you go hunting you aim for the doe, because you can’t fit a buck and its antlers in your war pony’s trunk.

20.You grow a Mohawk because you think it’ll make you look tough. It doesn’t.

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