Bootleg VHS and Chill

Tumblr - Netflix and Chill - Bootleg VHS Style that is...

First of all, I want to start off this story by telling you it’s true. Every. Single. Word.

And I am going to tell it exactly as it happened. Because that’s what I am – I’m a truth-teller. Anyone who has ever met me always says, “Howah, Jibwens do you ever tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you Creator!” I even won a provincial essay contest in BC when I was in grade five and the guy giving me the plaque said, “Congratulations on always telling the truth!” And the plaque even said “Number 1 Truth-teller!” I still have that plaque sitting on my fireplace right next to the medal I got in college for having the most accurate and truthful essay ever written at Confederation College. I am only telling you all of this because it’s hard to believe what people say these days, eh?

So I always start off all my stories by assuring you that not one word of it is a lie, or made up, or fabricated in any way shape or form.

Ok, so this is what happened the night that me, Nanabozho and Minnie Kwe had a threesome…

We were about an hour into Netflix and Chill, but it wasn’t really Netflix – it was my mom’s very extensive bootleg VHS collection. We were at that part of La Bamba where Ritchie’s mama goes “NOOOOOOO! Not my Reee-cheeee!” when Nanabozho looks over at me with his eye brows wagging and his tongue sticking out going “hahhhnnnnn!”

Well, since this guy is a Trickster I should have known, eh, that he had some tricks up his loincloth. Minnie Kwe and me were just bawling away at that part and then it got even worse when they showed the images of people mourning Ritchie’s death. Howah! Just real tearing at our heart strings. Nanabozho had to comfort us and wrapped his wiry little arms around both of our shoulders while we snuggled into his skinny chest and cried into tufts of hair that defied or confirmed his Ojibwayness – I still have yet to figure it out.

Even at that point, I didn’t really think that he was working towards having a threesome, eh. But I should have figured it out right when he said he was going to make us some Kraft Dinner and fried hamburger. That’s a dish for real special occasions, especially when you take the step of frying up some onions too – which he did.

The house started to smell like my Gokmiss’ house when I used to go there and she’d play radio bingo and make me that very meal. I’d be chewing away on my KD admiring her stealthy bingo moves; especially when she could play about 50 cards real fast and not even skip a beat. She’d tape all the sheets together, and lift them in a mechanical but fascinating fashion. The sound it made while she rhythmically dabbed reminded me of a real low power fan buzzing back and forth back and forth. This one night I saw her rubbing the belly of her lucky troll doll and I knew she was getting close. Finally, the announcer calls O-69 and she jumps out of her Lazy-Kwe chair and yells real loud “BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN-GOOOOHHHHHHHHH!” Right after she got off the phone with the radio station we got dressed and trekked down to the bingo hall to collect her winnings. I always remember the number was O-69 because on the way there, Gokmiss says to me “I always win on the 69 haaaaaaaahnnnnnnnnnn!”

At the time I didn’t even know what she meant by “69” until I saw this porno called Forrest Hump that I honestly thought was a major motion picture about some guy that liked chocolates. Well, the guy in the porno liked ham sandwiches, which is totally not what you think it is. Well maybe you do know what it is, but that’s not for me to judge.

So anyways, back to the night in question. We were all sitting around feeling pretty bloated and gassy because apparently Nishnobs are lactose intolerant. I always thought that fluorescent orange cheese powder was not really “cheese” so I guess we were just feeling the aftereffects of real bad processed food. Maybe that’s what Nishnobs are really allergic to.

All this to say – I wasn’t feeling sexy at all. I was also trying to hold the boogits in because I was sort of developing a crush on Minnie Kwe and didn’t want her to think I was gross. All of a sudden, Nanabozho is running around with his shorts down between his ankles saying, “I like to boogit boogit!” to the tune that group Reel to Real sang in the 90’s. You might recognize the song more from that movie Madagascar, but I always like the original versions of things. Minnie Kwe and me were all “Geegoh emisniskin!” which means something along the lines of stop teasing!

While he was running around, I could see his ding-a-ling just swaying away and it was in that moment that I thought to myself “Hoooooooooo–WAH!” I guess Minnie Kwe was having the same thoughts when I glanced over to her and she was staring at it too with her lips pursed, nodding her head in Ojibway approval.

The next part of the night is a bit of a blur because everything happened so quickly after that moment of recognition that Minnie Kwe and me had. I can’t remember who made the first move but then all of a sudden we were on a mattress on the floor in my living room. Geez that Nanabozho is real deadly eh? I mean, what other kind of person can run around naked talking about wanting to fart, and in the next moment have two people in bed getting ready for a threesome? A real Trickster if you ask me. (I bet he did real good on RezFox and had lots of snags. Nanabozho sets his trap line real far and wide, just like how my grandpa taught me do it. Guarantees a catch every time).

All of a sudden, it got awkward because it was an uneven amount of people. Because I am honest and only ever tell the truth, I have to admit that it was my first time ever being with more than one person at the same time. I didn’t really know what to do so just laid there while Nanabozho kissed Minnie Kwe really hard on her mouth. I have to admit that kind of turned me on and I started to feel that electricity between my legs.

I don’t really want to walk you through every moment of our threesome because, well, some things are sacred eh? Needless to say, it was full of all kinds of “oooohhhhssss” and “aaaaahhhhhhhs” and lasted into the wee hours of the morning when we could hear the birds awaken from their slumber and the sky start to talk to the day. I’d never experienced anything like that in my life. I updated my Facebook status to “Howah!” and that’s about all I could say about it.

Even years later, it crosses my mind and I smile and start to feel horned up. I’ve got a girlfriend now – it didn’t work out with Minnie Kwe in case you were wondering – and I asked her one time if she wanted to do a threesome and she says “no way!” I’m hoping one day she’ll she “yes way!” because I am not sure I could go the rest of my life without it. Oh well, for now she keeps me satisfied because she’s got real big doodoos and that’s my favourite, eh.

Or, maybe I ought to invite Nanabozho and Minnie Kwe over one night for Bootleg VHS and Chill.

Wesley Roach, Skan Photography

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