Funny Horoscopes From the Rez: Sagittarius Needs a Sundance and a Valium

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These funny rez horoscopes explain it all...

Everything’s just a little bit different on the rez, isn’t it? Even down to the strange logic of the zodiac (if you believe there is logic there at all)—the bland spiels about your personality and ambitions won’t cut it. Not when you can be so much more specific on NDN topics: Which sign drives a rez bomb? Who’s always losing their sweetgrass? How did your garbage end up in that Capricorn’s yard? These rez horoscopes explain it all. (We’ve seen this bit on many websites, but this specific text comes from “Donna’s Collection of Native American Indian Jokes.”) Enjoy:

INDIAN REZ HOROSCOPES:

CAPRICORN December 22—January 19:
You are always saving junk and dragging things around the yard. You are basically a pack rat. There has never been a tidy Capricorn on your Indian Reserve. You should quit stealing other people’s garbage.

AQUARIUS January 20—February 18:
You haven’t the foggiest idea who you are and you’ve stayed stupid for too long. You are a natural liar. On the other hand, at the dinner table you make loud sucking noises as you devour sixteen pork neckbones. Everyone thinks you Indian name should be “Vacuum Neck.”

PISCES February 19—March 20:
You have no imagination and you always think the Department of Indian Affairs or Social Services is following you. You have influence over welfare administrators and friends think you’re a weasel. You lack perseverance and are generally a chicken. Pisces people like to beat the ugly cats and sniff their nose a lot.

ARIES March 21—April 19:
You are an old stiff and this is reflected in everything you do. You are always whining over nothing and think everyone is out to rob you of something. You should take 11 sweats, one after another.

TAURUS April 20—May 20:
You like to work like hell and you are a genuine Jack-of-all-trades. Most people think you are just getting in their way. You are stubborn and persistent. You should get on welfare, immediately.

GEMINI May 20—June 21:
You are very intelligent on your feet but lose all credibility when sitting down. People like you because you know how to cash in food vouchers. This means your’re a con artist. Geminis are notorious for their pimping.

CANCER June 22—July 22:
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people’s problems. Friends think you are a sponge and you are always misplacing your sweetgrass. That is why you will always drive a “rez bomb” and have a fat mate.

LEO July 23—August 22:
You consider yourself a warrior; others think you’re a macho egotistical creature of habit. Most Leos like to pick on little people. You have no ambition and will forever live in your mind. Leo people are scared to go to the Sundance and prefer to make love to their mirrors.

VIRGO August 23—September 22:
You like to have things in perfect order and will pick nits all day. Your sex life has become well known, due to you meticulous nature. Friends think you’re an example of institutionalization and would make a model inmate at the local prison.

LIBRA September 23—October 23:
You have extreme difficulty with reality. This disorder began at the rez school and will cause further serious mental shortcomings. Chances for employment are nil and you’ll have to do beadwork for the rest of your life. All Libras light their sweetgrass from the wrong end.

SCORPIO October 24—November 21:
You are a shrewd and conniving Aboriginal. You land claim cannot be settled because you also want them to throw in Africa and China. Your work ethics defy logic but this stems from the fact that you know everything. Most Scorpios develop Jean Chrétien-type mouths.*

SAGITTARIUS November 22—December 21:
You are extemely optimistic and have the tendency to rely on Indian Medicine. The majority of Sagittarians carry little bundles of leather and will do weird things suddenly. You should take 365 vision quests, 67 sweat ceremonies, 39 Sundances and a Valium.

\Canadian Prime Minister (1993-2003) Jean Chrétien was partially paralyzed on the left side of his face, a quirk he joked about by claiming he was “one politician who doesn’t talk out of both sides of his mouth.”*

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