Native American writer Sherman Alexie is one of the funniest folks—of any race—on Twitter. His go-to topics are his bad back, liberal politics, and the absurdities of Native life. Sometimes he’s profound, other times he’s completely trivial (see #3 below) but his wit always shines through. Here are 10 recent gems, if you’re on Twitter you’d best be following him at @Sherman_Alexie:
10. If I get cancer then I’m gonna name my first four tumors Custer, Andrew Jackson, Dick Cheney & Black Licorice.
9. My lower back feels as fracked as North Dakota. My spine is now a superfund cleanup site.
8. Today, my soul is the waistband of old underwear: barely holding on, barely holding up, barely holding in.
7. Scientists have discovered a tarantula-sized spider that can fly! Okay, not true, but some of you are freaked out, right?
6. When white folks tell me I don’t look Indian, I say “No, I don’t look anything like Lou Diamond Phillips.”
5. I categorically deny that I was in an all-Indian boy band called Reservations Required.
4. I used to make fun of Bed, Bath & Beyond. Now I wander the aisles dreaming of the ways I could make my life better.
3. This morning, I paper-cut my finger opening a box of bandages.
2. When folks say they’ve “discovered” my books, I get all confused & scream, “My books were here before 1492!”
1. When folks tell me I’m arrogant, it means “You have too many opinions for an Indian.” Also, I am arrogant.