Native Humor! 10 Funny Sherman Alexie Quips

Will Casey, courtesy Royce Carlton Alexie: / 'I have this many Twitter followers.' Photo by Will Casey, courtesy Royce Carlton

Native Humor! 10 Funny Sherman Alexie Quips

Native American writer Sherman Alexie is one of the funniest folks—of any race—on Twitter. His go-to topics are his bad back, liberal politics, and the absurdities of Native life. Sometimes he’s profound, other times he’s completely trivial (see #3 below) but his wit always shines through. Here are 10 recent gems, if you’re on Twitter you’d best be following him at @Sherman_Alexie:

10. If I get cancer then I’m gonna name my first four tumors Custer, Andrew Jackson, Dick Cheney & Black Licorice.

9. My lower back feels as fracked as North Dakota. My spine is now a superfund cleanup site.

8. Today, my soul is the waistband of old underwear: barely holding on, barely holding up, barely holding in.

7. Scientists have discovered a tarantula-sized spider that can fly! Okay, not true, but some of you are freaked out, right?

6. When white folks tell me I don’t look Indian, I say “No, I don’t look anything like Lou Diamond Phillips.”

5. I categorically deny that I was in an all-Indian boy band called Reservations Required.

4. I used to make fun of Bed, Bath & Beyond. Now I wander the aisles dreaming of the ways I could make my life better.

3. This morning, I paper-cut my finger opening a box of bandages.

2. When folks say they’ve “discovered” my books, I get all confused & scream, “My books were here before 1492!”

1. When folks tell me I’m arrogant, it means “You have too many opinions for an Indian.” Also, I am arrogant.

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