You have always dreamed that your child finds love (especially to have a fiddling with grandchildren). This day has finally arrived, here he is decided to present his half to you. You have spent years raising your precious offspring, obviously does not want the best for it, and incidentally that the person is perfect. Problem: you did not plan that the elected representative of his heart is so on your nerves and only find faults.
Except that you are probably imposing an almost impossible ideal for his partner. “He is the best placed to know which spouse he must have”says Colleen Marshall, therapist. So before rushing down in the conflict, breathe a big blow, take a step back, and ask yourself these three essential questions, gathered by the HuffPost who questioned experts in the matter.
1. What really bothers you?
Before condemning your child’s partner, ask yourself if what bothers you is your own values or a real problem. “Each family has their traditions and ways of being, and it can be a source of tension in new relationships”, explains Colleen Marshall. If she talks just a little too strong or does not understand your love for board games, is this really a reason for declaration of war?
Your own family quirks must also be disturbing for him or her, so be understanding. Especially since, let’s be honest, it can also be linked to a touch of jealousy. Perhaps you find it difficult to accept that your child has a new confidant and that you are moving into the background. But no one wants to have a 45 -year -old Tanguy at home, so moderate this feeling.
2. How much is your concern founded?
If there is a possibility of psychological and/or physical violence, we must speak, advise Lisa Brateman, social worker. “In such a situation, you can’t just stay with your arms crossed,” she continues. You may notice that your child’s partner controls him or isolates him from his friends and family members. At that time, intervene, but carefully think about the words you use.
“The key is to tell your child that you will always be there for him, whatever his decision to stay with this person, but that you worry about his safety”she says. You may also use a local support center for victims of domestic violence.
3. Can you talk to your child without judgment?
If your concern is not alarming but persists, favor the discussion open rather than the confrontation. “Tell them that you do not agree with their choices can keep them away from you rather than bringing you closer”, Exhibits Lisa Brateman. So forget them “you should drop this big dwarf” and opt for: “How do you feel in this relationship?” What do you like about him/her? “ The idea is to start reflection, not to impose what is bad or good.
In the end, we are not in the privacy of a couple, and only the person concerned can really know what suits them. Be curious, open, without judgment (or let go): the priority is to listen to your child.
