It was around thirty years ago, you experienced your first summer love to the sound of Nirvana, Blur, Ace of Base, the Spice Girls or Britney Spears. It is now the turn of your (pre)teens to tackle this period of emotion, discovery and questioning. If the nature of the feeling of love is the same and, from generation to generation, the parents’ desire to protect their offspring remains, you are no longer that teenager who wrote fiery letters (or messages on your lover’s Tam Tam or Tatoo pager).
Things have changed (and the flowers have wilted, as Céline Dion sang at the time), your memories have altered and mentalities have (fortunately) evolved. With the support of Tessy Vanderhaeghe, certified sexual health educator and trainer in positive sexuality and gender equality, author of the guide 100 little conversations to have with your child – How to talk about sexuality from a young age (published in January), here are some tips for not repeating the mistakes of our own parents, nor making new ones and for supporting your (pre)teens in the discovery of romantic relationships.
Recognize the intensity of the feeling of love
First thing: don’t minimize. “These holiday loves, especially the first ones, arouse strong feelingssays Tessy Vanderhaeghe. It is important to recognize the intensity of your child’s experiences and emotions and not to judge.”Moreover, the emotional and affective component is often the one that goes by the wayside, as soon as parents approach the question of romantic relationships, as focused as they are on sexuality and the prevention of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and unwanted pregnancies.
However, it is an essential aspect that must be addressed well before the age of first intercourse. The idea is not to approach the subject point blank, face to face, at the risk of appearing awkward or intrusive. Tessy Vanderhaeghe recommends not positioning yourself as an “expert” on fashion “I know, I’ve been there”but possibly to talk about our own stories or, better, to watch series and films together and to question the relationships we see on the screen.
“Just as we don’t let him or her take the car without a seat belt, we accompany him or her and we think with him or her.”
“We can ask questions like: ‘Is this really how we fall in love? Do you really think this is how people develop their emotions? Do you think this is how we act around someone we’re in love with?'”suggests the trainer. She also emphasizes that this helps lay the foundations for a healthy relationship and prevents the risk of emotional abuse: “There are fictions in which jealousy or possessiveness are romanticized. This allows you to think about questions like: “How does a person act when they are in love? How do you act towards a person you love?”
Addressing sexuality other than through sexual health prevention alone
Then, of course, we have to address the issue of sexuality. However, we are very far from a discourse focusing solely on condoms, as my generation was entitled to. Indeed, it is appropriate to adopt a more delicate approach and make adolescents experts in their own lives, in order to facilitate discussion. “It’s about putting yourself in the role of a companion and saying: ‘Listen, you know your body, you discover yourself. I’m here to give you advice, guide you, then so that we can discuss and take care of you.’ Just like we don’t let him or her take the car without a seat belt, we accompany him or her and we think with him or her”illustrates the specialist.
The best way to do this would be to approach sexuality from a broad point of view, from the notion of consent to prevention, from a very young age through small informal conversations. This is the whole point of Tessy Vanderhaeghe’s book, which I highly recommend. “Perhaps the easiest thing to do is to ask broader questions, such as: ‘What do you think makes a person feel ready to have sex?’ Or, if we’ve already heard that he or she is telling a story about a friend who already had their first time, that might be a good opportunity to ask: “What made him or she feel ready?” The idea is to have a broad and non-specific conversation, about your generation, about your friends, perhaps about the difference with our generation”explains the expert, who adds that this is a way to ask your teenager for their opinion.
We can also probe him or her, ask him or her where he or she is at, if he or she is interested, if he or she would like to have a discussion or – why not – see a doctor to discuss it. Although this is not necessarily easy, it is not impossible to establish a more direct exchange and approach things more head-on. “You can also say to your teenager: “There are certain things that I want to explain to you”, in order to give them specific advice on this unique moment when you discover your body, your intimacy and sexuality with another person. explains Tessy Vanderhaeghe. Since we are talking about prevention and since no contraception is 100% effective, we must also address the issue of unwanted pregnancies and the possible options in this case: abortion, adoption or parenthood. This discussion highlights the possibility of non-penetrative sex to avoid any risk.”
And if you feel really uncomfortable, perhaps because of your upbringing or your personal history, it is never forbidden to call on another trusted adult. It is also possible to offer resources: books, safe websites, etc.
Be there in any situation
Sexuality is also sexual orientation and it is possible that your teenager discovers theirs during the holidays. Our generation is perhaps less likely than our parents to assume the heterosexuality of their teenagers and that is a good point. The fact remains that coming out is sometimes experienced as a crucial moment, with a lot of expectations. So, avoid them “we suspected it” and favor the “thank you for your trust” and show that you are there, no matter the situation.
“It’s essential to say: ‘If anything happens, you can call me, you can message me, you won’t get told off.’”
Being there no matter what, is something that also applies to the way we approach outings, especially during the summer. If it seems more than counterproductive to put the teenager under confinement, the best thing is to establish some rules together. “We can say, ‘You can go, but I want us to think together about the best way for it to go well. I want you to be able to have fun, whether it’sfun for you”, then consider solutions if the teenager feels uncomfortableadvises Tessy Vanderhaeghe. It is essential to say: “If anything happens, you can call me, you can message me, you won’t get told off.” Then the next day, we can have an open conversation: “How did it go?”, “Were there things that made you uncomfortable?”, “What was pleasant?”, “What was less pleasant?”, etc.
Finally, who says holiday romance means separation at the end of the stay. Again, this should not be minimized. “There is no question of being in the “there it was, it was nothing, it’s like that, it happens to everyone”. You need to ask questions about how he or she feels, about what he or she wants to do to manage the breakup or the long-distance relationship.insists Tessy Vanderhaeghe. The certified sexual health educator, however, points out a clear difference with our adolescence: today’s teenagers have all the means of communication to stay in touch with their vacation lover. This does not go without posing some risks that you need to discuss with your child: you should not hesitate to explain to them why you advise them not to send intimate photos, for example.
Summer loves can leave lasting memories, sometimes painful, often structuring. Rather than avoiding or minimizing these experiences, it is better to prepare for them and support them with kindness. Creating a climate of trust, recognizing emotions, setting a reassuring framework: so many keys to ensuring that your teenagers experience these moments with freedom and security.
