“Did you see, he promised his son a new toy to calm him down?”; “They let everything pass to their daughter, don’t you think?”; “This little one is too closely looked after by his mother, we can see that he is too dependent»; “They didn’t give him a single vegetable all weekend!”… From the comfort of their pillows, many couples indulge in a few comments, judgments or criticisms about the parental choices of those around them. Whether it is small everyday things like meal management, or more theoretical principles of education, everyone observes and evaluates themselves by pointing out the ways of doing things of others or the difficulties they encounter.
From simple remarks uttered at a dinner party through an unusually tight mouth to the most explicit criticism, everyone seems to indulge in it from time to time, most often behind the backs of the main parties involved, of course. But why aren’t the members of the parent community, who share the sometimes difficult reality of the challenges of their role, a little more supportive of each other?
Social comparison, a natural phenomenon
“In reality, this involves a phenomenon called social comparison. It is universal in humans who are the only species to have self-awareness.tells us Isabelle Roskam, professor of developmental psychology at the Catholic University of Louvain, in Belgium.
When Éric*, 36 years old, notices that his friends’ daughter still doesn’t sleep through the night at over 1 year old, he can’t help but remind his partner, Eve*, that “her parents kept her in their room very late and she is very looked after by her mother”. For their part, they chose to put their son in his own room from the age of 4 and a half months and he sleeps there like a log. Although there is no proven causal link between this decision and a child’s propensity to sleep through the night, Eric and Eve will congratulate themselves, privately, on having made this choice.
“In a society where performance and individualism reign, comparison allows us to feel like we are the best.”
“Social comparison allows us to know where we stand in relation to the average of a group, like a sort of standard. And this becomes a way of knowing if we are competent. In this sense, comparison with other parents is something natural”deciphers Isabelle Roskam, also co-author (with Moïra Mikolajczak) of the book Parental burn-out – Avoid it and get over itpublished in 2017 by Éditions Odile Jacob.
One day, Eve began to feel some regret about her choice to have stopped breastfeeding their son when she saw a friend breastfeed her 14-month-old child. “Look how he seems stuck to his mother and not very independent”her partner Eric then points out to her, mentioning this friend’s baby.
“Reassure” one’s own choices and feel less failing
“In a society where performance and individualism reign, comparison allows us to feel like we are the best”continues Isabelle Roskam. “I compare myself to see how well I’m doing!”admits the young dad with amusement. “I will criticize or observe what others do, not to tell myself that I am doing better than them, but above all with a view to reassuring my choices, to see if we have asked the right questions with our son”Eve nuance.
Parents receive sometimes contradictory or guilt-inducing advice, whether by scrolling on social networks, from their family, those around them and even health professionals. Result: they find themselves lost more easily. “Social comparison then comes to arbitrate what to do or not to do, even more so in an area where everything does not necessarily seem clear”explains Isabelle Roskam.
Pointing out the arrangements or small failures of other parents can also restore a feeling of control. “When I saw my friend giving his daughter cakes at all hours of the day during a stay with friends to calm her down, it made me feel good”admits Karim*, a father in his forties.
This allows you to better accept your own failures or difficulties, or at least what you consider to be such. “I pointed it out to my wife the same evening”also tells Karim. And to add: “It reassured me that we weren’t the only ones, my wife and I, doing things we hadn’t planned to do with our children, out of fatigue or weariness, and that we were somehow all in the same boat.”
“We are in a society that often advocates perfect parenting. However, this sometimes creates a gap between the selves: the parent we would like to be and the one we really are.also supports Isabelle Roskam.
Lots of stress and responsibility around parenthood
A reality that Lou*, a 37-year-old mother, knows only too well. “I am not necessarily the perfect mother that I would like to be in terms of respectful education and that is what means that I will often be very guilty”she laments. “This gap between selves is even more pronounced in areas associated with high performance standards such as parenting”adds Isabelle Roskam.
Today, being a parent causes a lot of stress and responsibility for a child’s development. A stress that comes largely from a deeply rooted belief in parental determinism. In other words, if a child is suffering, his or her parents will very often wonder what they missed. “While in reality, we know that the good development or otherwise of a child is multideterminedsummarizes the psychology professor. You can’t be a parent out of common sense and just do your best.”
“What makes us react the most is what we hate to see the most at home. We are entering into a somewhat unhealthy opposition, while everyone is in difficulty.
In this reality, we sometimes project this pressure that we experience onto others, judging them with the same intransigence that we show towards ourselves. If Lou, a fervent defender of respectful education, firmly denounces violent or demeaning behavior towards children, she will sometimes judge things in others that resonate more with her own parenting.
“I also tend to criticize parents who can refer me to my own behavior and in particular to things that I can do, but which make me feel extremely guilty afterwardsshe elaborates. The typical example: screaming. I will greatly judge or criticize a father or mother who I see screaming, even though I happen to do so. But as I know that it is both bad for the child and also counterproductive, it makes me react.”
Growing parental unease
Activist and podcast author Cédric Rostein, better known under the pseudonym Papatriarchy, shares this sentiment. “What makes us react the most is what we hate to see the most at home”confirms the podcaster, father of two children. For him, it’s seeing parents on their phones. “I’m probably feeling frustrated about that myself.”he admits.
But these criticisms, which parents will make towards their peers, also work against them collectively. “It isolates parents from each other and doesn’t really create a caring and supportive environment.”estimates Isabelle Roskam. “We are entering into a somewhat unhealthy opposition, while everyone is in difficulty”recognizes Cédric Rostein for his part.
“Social pressure and the judgment of others are among the elements that explain or reinforce parental unease, sometimes leading to the appearance of parental burnout”underlines Isabelle Roskam. In Western countries, this state of physical, emotional and mental exhaustion, which reflects the suffering of many parents, affects between 5 and 8% of them.
“In France, this represents one or two parents per class”assesses the psychology professor. A research article published in the journal La Santé en action by Santé publique France, in May 2024, suggests that 6% of people are affected by parental burnout in the country, mainly women. “By judging ourselves, we especially miss an opportunity to support ourselves”regrets Cédric Rostein.
* First names have been changed.
