Many parents experience this situation: their child has a good friend, or even a best friend, but they don’t like him… This friend may be authoritarian, ill-mannered or jump on your furniture. Additionally, you may not like the way your child behaves when around you.
When it comes to older children, your dislike may be related to the friend’s language, their stance toward school, or their way of taking risks. Maybe this friend blows hot and cold, causing serial drama. So what should we do, as parents, in these kinds of circumstances?
Set rules
If you feel that your child is being abused, it may trigger a protective instinct in you that manifests itself as a bodily response of fight or flight. This causes a rush of adrenaline which can push you as parents to react with criticism, or even try to oppose this friendship.
However, this approach can cause more harm than good, especially in the case of adolescents who are prone to reject their parents. With younger children, clear boundaries can be set from the start of the meeting. For example, by telling them: “games are prohibited in the parents’ room” or “we don’t jump on the sofa.”
If the children use mean or rude language towards each other, you can immediately announce that we do not use such and such a word in this house and that courtesy is the rule here.
Showing reluctance towards your child’s friends or potential partners also risks causing a “Romeo and Juliet” effect.
Play sessions can preferably be held outside, which can be particularly helpful in cases of loud, destructive or rude behavior. And, if you can, schedule fewer play sessions with the child in question.
But parents can also think about why this child is bothering them. Is this reaction justified or does it come from their own biases and opinions? Your child’s friends don’t have to be the ones you would choose.
Listening to the needs of adolescents
To become successful adults, adolescents must complete different developmental stages that help them become more autonomous and independent. Interfering with their friendships disrupts this process and ultimately disempowers them.
In the 1960s, American psychologist Diana Baumrind published famous research on parenting establishing that an authoritarian style results in less confidence and less independence in children than if they are raised in a home that, beyond the rules, is attentive to their needs.
Showing reluctance towards your child’s friends or potential partners is also likely to lead to a “Romeo and Juliet” effect, where disapproval makes them want to meet these people even more.
So, in the case of adolescents and their friends, the approach must be even more nuanced. The primary goal is to encourage the child to view the parent as someone to turn to if they have a problem. If you are tempted to be critical, first ask yourself: is this in your child’s best interest?
It’s important to let children make mistakes so they can learn from them. Learning to discern what they want or don’t want in relationships is an essential life skill.
Friendships that evolve
Promoting an open dialogue about your child’s relationships allows you to exert influence in a more subtle and developmentally appropriate way. For younger children, you can take advantage of a quiet moment to ask questions like: “What can you say to Charlotte if you don’t want to play her game anymore?” or “what is the best way to respond if she is too bossy?”.
For older children, the ideal is to wait until they want to talk with you, rather than questioning them straight away. Inquire gently, nonjudgmentally, about this friendship, with questions like, “What do you like to do together?” or “tell me about what you have in common.” If the teen seems upset or uncomfortable, resist the urge to dismiss the problem or want to resolve it. Listening is the key to helping a young person deal with a problem, showing them that they are supported and not judged.
And remember, not all friendships last. As children grow, most of them naturally make new acquaintances and discard old ones.
The only exception to this adolescent-oriented approach is if there is a risk to the child’s safety. In cases of bullying or abuse in any form, parents should intervene and speak directly to the school or other relevant authorities, even if their child objects.
