For many people, the family represents a forced hostile environment, from which one can only escape by radically distancing themselves. This is the reason why some of them choose to permanently cut ties with one or more of their loved ones. It is also a more common phenomenon than we think, reports the BBC, even if very few studies are interested in it at the moment.
Lucy Blake is an author, lecturer in psychology at the University of the West of England and a specialist in family estrangement. According to her, it is still a taboo phenomenon today: “It’s a pretty scary subject that people don’t want to talk about. They think it only happens to other people.”
However, in 2022, a study of more than 8,500 people in the United States revealed that 26% of them had experienced periods of estrangement from their father and 6% from their mother, over a period of twenty-four years. The analysis included people who still saw their parents on some occasions. Another similar study, carried out among 10,200 people in Germany, revealed that 9% of respondents had experienced estrangement from their mother and 20% from their father, over a period of thirteen years.
In another American survey carried out among 1,340 people and detailed in a book published in 2020, sociologist Karl Pillemer, from the American Cornell University, claims to have found that 10% of them no longer had any contact with one of their parents or one of their children. The sociologist believes that the phenomenon is increasing, even if the data is insufficient to prove it.
Several reasons to cut ties
“In the generations before the baby boomers, family solidarity was a very strong norm, but these norms have weakened”explains Karl Pillemer. He also maintains that moving away from one’s family is not necessarily a bad thing: according to him, new family norms, such as common-law unions and couples without children, have also become more acceptable over time.
Joshua Coleman, clinical psychologist working with separated families and author of several works on the subject, shares the sociologist’s opinion. He adds that the rise of individualism can also encourage this type of estrangement: “The culture of individualism is a concern for oneself, one’s identity, one’s own happiness, he maintains. This is why our relationships with others are considered secondary.” Studies suggest that older parents in the United States are twice as likely to have a poor relationship with their children as those in slightly less individualistic countries like Israel, Germany and the United Kingdom.
Karl Pillemer affirms that there should be no taboo around family estrangement and that it is sometimes linked to very serious problems such as violence occurring during childhood. However, he says his research, which includes a survey and interviews with 300 people, reveals that it is often a “accumulation of minor negative interactions” which leads to cutting ties with members of his family.
Furthermore, in a US survey of more than 1,000 individuals conducted by Joshua Coleman, most respondents cited specific actions of family members or general family dynamics as reasons for their separation. This was sometimes linked to the consequences of divorce, siding with one parent or dissatisfaction with the new partner. Identity and sexuality can also be key factors, with some parents refusing to accept their child’s homosexuality, for example. Nearly a fifth of those surveyed also cited political differences as reasons.
For her part, Lucy Blake says: “I don’t think anyone should stay in a relationship where they don’t feel safe. We often think of physical or sexual violence, but it is just as important to talk about psychological violence.”
